About Me Appreciation

A Different Kind of Happiness

Something I've been worried about for a while now is if I'll never be as happy as I was when I was traveling.

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time in Los Angeles. I’m making my usual rounds on some high-end coffee shops, visiting some dope galleries and museums, and basically just checking everything off my LA bucket list. It’s nice to be able to explore a city again and feel that wonder that only comes from discovery. It makes me happy.

Even though I am enjoying my life right now, I still feel quite stagnant. I’ve talked a bit about the mundanity of day to day life, especially when you’re working a nine to five. Something I’ve been worried about for a while now is if I’ll never be as happy as I was when I was traveling.

I didn’t really have anywhere to be and enjoyed every thing I did. At times, I forgot about time completely. I went to ivy-covered schools in the center of giant metropolises and studied languages that I’d always wanted to. I passed my time by reading in cafes, wandering around museums or art galleries, or shopping in local boutiques and bookstores. I had more friends than I’d ever had in my life.

I have not felt that pure, undiluted happiness in a very long time. I’ve been trying to figure out why that is. If I’m being honest, I think it was because I was able to depend on someone else for finances. I didn’t have to worry about making end’s meat, but basically just let me parents funnel money into my account.

To be clear, I am completely aware of how fortunate I’ve been.

Now, I’m the one who’s paying for myself and saving up for the future. I’m completely in charge of myself. At one point or another, you just have to crack down and do things for yourself. For me, it started about a year ago, when I started my job. I’m not sure if the stress of budgeting and planning of what I am actually going to do with my life is preventing me from reaching that bliss that I once held close.

Everyone talks about peaking at a certain point in their life, and maybe my time is over. But I could definitely be wrong. Maybe I’m just spiraling because I’m not doing what I’m used to and now I have to work for happiness. To be fair, I am being productive by building my career, taking classes at The Groundlings, going to Japan, and saving money to move out. I’m working towards something for the first time in my life. I’m just not sure if that’s the right something. I probably won’t know until I get there.

I think the feeling of happiness is not so clear-cut. It’s a spectrum, like sexuality. But I’ve had amazing adventures and felt so elated that anything less than that feels almost underwhelming. I try to put things in perspective, taking a moment to acknowledge all the things in my life that bring me joy. Things like walking my dog and watching him prance around and smell all the flowers, going to spin class with my mom on the weekends, or reading the Game of Thrones series. But it’s not the same and I can’t figure out why.

All I really know is that I don’t feel the same as I did a year ago. Something has changed. I’m still not sure what it is but I so desperately want to find it. I search for it every where I go, in everything I do. Maybe it’s right in front of me and I’m just not seeing it. I don’t know…

6 comments on “A Different Kind of Happiness

  1. whenever I’m in the middle of work and life and travel feels a long way away, I always feel ‘lost’. right now really, very lost…. i guess that’s life, right? adultig?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It is interesting to see everyone is trying to balance living for happiness and working for a living. Some did the first part when they are young and make up later for working for a living; some worked hard for a living when they are young and live for happiness later on. No definition which one is better and totally depends on who you are. But no matter which type, one has to think and make sure let your saving money to be invested on something to make money for oneself so that life could be enjoyed without too much stress. For example, two phds I knew walked out from school 30 years ago, both rented houses to live. One started to save money for down payment and bought a house a few years later, then he bought a few other houses later again. The other one did not do so and kept renting homes. Now 30 years after graduations from phds. One is semi retired and collects some rental income and enjoy the house appreciations that the market gave him. The other one finally bought a house but has to work until the day she finished because she missed the market blooming time from 1980s to 2007. No matter what you do just hire someone to suggest you for your finance plan and then do your best and enjoy your life. You are such a fun and charm person with all those languages and writing ability; you should have a very good life without stress! Good luck and look forward to reading your new posts! Ciao!


  3. I love the honesty of this piece, something I have thought about myself many times.

    Liked by 1 person

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