Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time in Los Angeles. I’m making my usual rounds on some high-end coffee shops, visiting some dope galleries and museums, and basically just checking everything off my LA bucket list. It’s nice to be able to explore a city again and feel that wonder that only comes from discovery. It makes me happy.
Even though I am enjoying my life right now, I still feel quite stagnant. I’ve talked a bit about the mundanity of day to day life, especially when you’re working a nine to five. Something I’ve been worried about for a while now is if I’ll never be as happy as I was when I was traveling.
I didn’t really have anywhere to be and enjoyed every thing I did. At times, I forgot about time completely. I went to ivy-covered schools in the center of giant metropolises and studied languages that I’d always wanted to. I passed my time by reading in cafes, wandering around museums or art galleries, or shopping in local boutiques and bookstores. I had more friends than I’d ever had in my life.
I have not felt that pure, undiluted happiness in a very long time. I’ve been trying to figure out why that is. If I’m being honest, I think it was because I was able to depend on someone else for finances. I didn’t have to worry about making end’s meat, but basically just let me parents funnel money into my account.
To be clear, I am completely aware of how fortunate I’ve been.
Now, I’m the one who’s paying for myself and saving up for the future. I’m completely in charge of myself. At one point or another, you just have to crack down and do things for yourself. For me, it started about a year ago, when I started my job. I’m not sure if the stress of budgeting and planning of what I am actually going to do with my life is preventing me from reaching that bliss that I once held close.
Everyone talks about peaking at a certain point in their life, and maybe my time is over. But I could definitely be wrong. Maybe I’m just spiraling because I’m not doing what I’m used to and now I have to work for happiness. To be fair, I am being productive by building my career, taking classes at The Groundlings, going to Japan, and saving money to move out. I’m working towards something for the first time in my life. I’m just not sure if that’s the right something. I probably won’t know until I get there.
I think the feeling of happiness is not so clear-cut. It’s a spectrum, like sexuality. But I’ve had amazing adventures and felt so elated that anything less than that feels almost underwhelming. I try to put things in perspective, taking a moment to acknowledge all the things in my life that bring me joy. Things like walking my dog and watching him prance around and smell all the flowers, going to spin class with my mom on the weekends, or reading the Game of Thrones series. But it’s not the same and I can’t figure out why.
All I really know is that I don’t feel the same as I did a year ago. Something has changed. I’m still not sure what it is but I so desperately want to find it. I search for it every where I go, in everything I do. Maybe it’s right in front of me and I’m just not seeing it. I don’t know…